Please Adopt Keanu!

Dear Kee,

Keanu, dude, I knew you were heartbroken and all when we broke up but sincerely, you have got to move on. And start shaving again. Just because it didn't work out between us that doesn't mean you should morph into some sort of a homeless/hermit/hobo. When was the last time have you had a bath? Bought clothes? You were raking in millions just from Speed alone, not to mention The Matrix franchise. What happened to your money?

Would you like me to recommend you a less expensive hairstylist if you're that strapped for cash? I know a gay beautician who does haircuts for 40pesos with blow drying and hair ironing. With your looks, he might not even charge you for a shave. Or for a bath, for that matter. Of course, it's located in one of the most dangerous barangays in Bacolod but that wouldn't matter, right? I mean, hell, you're Neo, The One, you know 200 or more kung-fu moves, surely you could beat up those homicidal junkies with bloodshot eyes should the need arise.

How do I know what's going on in your life, you ask. Well, there's the internet. I've seen some of your photos and I'm not happy about it.

Perhaps, if you take a good look at these, you would realize that you are morphing into a primate.

Evidence #1: I don't know how to even begin describing this. Have you spent a week in an Al Qaeda training camp? I want to strangle you with that horrible scarf.

Evidence#2: If you're going to have a damned coffee-to-go, you don't have to bring both the goddamned cup and saucer. I believe there are such a thing as a Styrofoam cups. Or a small thermos.

Evidence #3: God, there are such things as TABLES! Are you not allowed inside the coffee shop? Can't blame them. You need a bath, Theodore!

Evidence #4: OMG! You are sleeping on the pavement...WTF? You drive a vintage Porsche and you own at least 2 Norton Commandos and yet, you can't afford a house? Even a room?

Let's take a closer look, shall we...

Those boots are horrible! Burn them!


Evidence #5: Is that you, Judas Iscariot? Would you like to use your 30 pieces of silver for a bath and a shave?
(The background is badass, dude!)

Evidence #6: If you think throwing up at the side of the road would bring me back to your arms for a sweet reconciliation, think again. I love you, but this just doesn't cut it.

Evidence #7: What, is that gesture for me? Do that again and I'll break all your fingers. That belligerent attitude would get you nowhere. Besides, Lola won't approve. She won't read a Novena for you.

Evidence #8: What are you doing gallivanting in the middle of the road without your shoes on? Are you crazy? You might splinter your feet or something. Get a flip-flop, at least!

Evidence #9: Kee, pay attention: There is NO such thing as hobo chic.

Evidence #10: Is that shoe your new girlfriend? You take it everywhere and it looks horrible.

You used to look like this, remember? Don't you miss this face?
Please, do NOT fight the hotness.

With All My Love,

Pines

FOOTNOTE:

The images that started the goddamned gay rumors...

These are some publicity shots for some damned theater production that Keanu starred in when he was younger. I forgot the name because, well, who cared about it? It's probably crap anyway. Like Chain Reaction---an awful waste of the brilliantness that is Morgan Freeman.