Mama, I Love You, But Please Shut Up!

I’ve been having these dizzy spells lately and as my other “spells” go, it kind of freaked out my family. Anaemia, Low Blood Sugar and Dehydration were mentioned and my father even pointed out that my over-consumption of Doritos and Coke and my lack of nutritious food such as rice and vegetable was the root of all this. That and the fact that I only sleep three to four hours a night max. Only a mutant—such as I could survive this sort of existence, he told me peevishly. As was my wont, I let him vent.

But frankly, I’m pissed that nobody ever suggested that I’m pregnant. Hell, I even threw up one morning and nobody squeaked, “OMG, Pines is pregnant!” just the usual, “You should stop chugging Coke all day!” I beg to differ. I don’t drink Coke all day, I drink coffee around noon and around three so technically, NOT Coke the whole day. In my irritation, I told them I was three months pregnant. Nobody even paused just to let it sink in. My cousin immediately made a comeback without taking his eyes off the PBA game: “What are you now, the Immaculate Concepcion? Jeez…just ‘cause you have a Maria in your name…” My father was busy tinkering with Lola’s alarm clock. My mother however, was worried. “It’s Anaemia for sure…” she said, as if bracing herself for oncoming Armageddon. I rolled my eyes and locked myself in my room. This not-having-a-boyfriend-situation is really pissing me off. I should probably just hire a male stripper to aggravate my hardcore Catholic family but I doubt it would end well. Tried it last time with the rest of my friends but it didn’t work out (that’s another story).

“MAMA, I LOVE YOU, BUT PLEASE SHUT UP!”

Turns out, my mother couldn’t sleep so without even consulting me, she went and made an appointment with our family doctor. I wasn’t able to do anything except call the office and tell them that I might be late going in or not at all, depends really, and then I hung up. Ma, of course, accompanied me because, well, God forbid i should discover a major disease without her. As soon as we got to the doctor’s, Ma was all chummy with the receptionist. They’re on first name basis mostly because of me. What with Migraines, Ulcers, Asthma…I frequently visit them. Anyway, I hung outside for awhile and was dying for a smoke but couldn’t because my mother would raise holy hell when she sees me lighting one. I could tell she was already filling in Miss Anne about my latest condition. I decided to go in to do damage control since my mother could exaggerate when she’s worried. It may just be dizzy spells but to hear my mother say it, one would think I was dying.

A s soon as I got in, who should I see first? Not my worried Ma or Miss Anne—But a doppelganger of GAEL GARCIA BERNAL and he was listening to my mother vent on my habits with a smile on his face! Goddammit! Didn’t anyone ever told him that listening in on conversations was a bad habit? But the way my mother was talking, it was listen or go deaf! To make matters worse, my mother would sometimes turn to look at him, as if it was really okay for her to lip about me on total strangers—however gorgeous they might be!

“…Is it really okay for a twenty-six-year-old female to go lock herself in her room and watch cartoons all weekend? She even sometimes buys herself toys, could you believe that?” She asked GAEL#2 in her incredulous voice, and the dude just smiled.

On second thought, it’s twice worse if your mother lips about you to gorgeous total strangers! And not cartoons ma---anime!

Gael Garcia Bernal

Good thing Miss Anne saw me and said hello. They all turned to look at me and GAEL#2 gave me a curious look and he smiled. He even gave his seat up so I could sit beside my traitorous mother. I smiled as if my mother just didn’t skewer my reputation. Miss Anne asked about my latest ailment and I told her about it. Then she said…

Miss Anne: How often do you experience this spells?
Me: three-four times a day.
Miss Anne (smiling mischievously): Do you have a boyfriend? Maybe you’re…

I tried to answer only to be interrupted by my mother.

Ma (laughing): No way she’s pregnant, Anne! Pines doesn’t even have a boyfriend, the girl’s a virgin!

I must’ve groaned aloud because GAEL#2 looked up just in time to see me rolling my eyes. I could see from his demeanor that he was trying not to laugh. He even had the gall to check me out.

* Doraemon T-Shirt: Check
* Old skinny jeans: Check
* Jansport backpack with Son Gokou and Uryuu Ishida keychains: Check
* Beat-up striped Chucks: Check
* Samurai top-knot: Check
* hot pink nail polish: Check

(Sorry for the wardrobe, dude. I spend my day in construction. Stilettos does not exactly do well with walking on gravel or climbing scaffolds.)

At this point, I was waiting for the floor tiles to just swallow me whole…or for GAEL#2 to just disappear into thin air. Hell, I don’t care how just as long as he does. No such luck. But my Ma and Miss Anne thankfully, had moved on to other topics. GAEL#2, judging from his appearance: Cleanly pressed polo shirt, slacks, polished shoes and a huge black bag, is a MedRep and will probably stay even after I leave. The dude is there to pimp his medicine. And God Bless those medicines!

VERDICT:

Anemic. And I have a premature heartbeat. Now, I’ve watched HOUSE and from what I understand, if you have an extra heartbeat, you’re pretty much fucked. Probably a tumor in the regions of my heart where surgery would be tricky and I WOULD PROBABLY DIE. And as a virgin.

Hell, why not? It couldn’t get any worse!

Good thing my doctor assured me that it’s nothing to worry about. I’m not dying or anything. Just gave me another set of medication and I’m done. I have to come back after three weeks for a blood count.

If my mother would not suck the life out me first, yes, I’ll go back.

Hadaka Matsuri: The Naked Man Festival (Was Takashi And Yutaka Present?!)

Seriously. Were they?

Vintage Yutaka & Takashi

And were they joined by the Ikemen from Oh(!)saka High?

Because, holy shit! I'm going to book a flight to Japan next year if they're into this sort of thing. Come hell or high water or lack of money. I'll be going to Manila on January, so I could start earning money by joining bankrobbers. What's a little crime to have a piece of Sorimachi ass? The thought of Yutaka literally in the flesh tantalizes me so much, I'm feeling the beginnings of a seizure.

Anyway, Hadaka Matsuri. Gawd.

A yearly festival held in Saidaiji, Japan where a bunch (practically a thousand) of loin-clothed wet men frolick around on icy cold wintry night, forming small groups while chanting "washoi! washoi!" (or "wtf, we're crazy nuts!" ---- kidding).

Guys the world over flock to this small town to consume copious amounts of sake and run around naked in the middle of winter because it's the sanest thing to do when it's cold.

Clothing are for pussies.

And if you think that's it, you're quite wrong. The climax of the event takes place at around midnight when the naked dudes painstakingly waits for two wooden stick (shingi) to be dropped from the temple, still chanting "washoi! washoi!"

The man who catches one of these without being stabbed in the eye will have a year of good luck. These sticks are so highly prized, that they're willing to trample each other just to get a hold of one of these.

These Japanese sure knows how to party. Gawd, Japan, I love you, man!

You Can't Bribe Me With Flowers

... But you can bribe me with a House Box Set.

Apparently, I'm easy.

"I Am Not Fat. I Am Sexy Succulent!"

Damn right, I am.

And the last thing I need is a stick-figured, fashionably-challenged, dry-haired bitch who wears braces when she was probably spawned in the Mesozoic Era, sneering at me. Let me get this straight, I don't want to be thin. Ever. I don't even know where the hell you got the idea that being thin is healthy. Probably at the same place you got the idea to wear a denim jacket over a white collared knitted shirt paired with a flared fuckin' pussy red pants and black hideous slip-ons I wouldn't wear in my worst nightmares. So that place, bitch, is pretty unreliable. So go pack your bags and move someplace where they serve sound reasoning and a smile. Don't fucking frown all the time. You are not Victoria Beckham. And if you think Posh is a great role model, you need to slap yourself twice in the morning. Three, if possible, around lunchtime. You need to wake up to the reality that she barely looked human. I mean, damn, she's orange. Have you seen her lately? She looked like an Ethiopian with breast implants! When your bones start to stick out of you, girl, something's wrong with you. You are malnourished, therefore, you are not healthy. Unless you are obese or can already measure your weight not by pounds or kilos, but fucking tonnage, hell yes, you need to lose those goddamned pounds! What I meant to say was, it doesn't matter if you're fat or you're thin. Being unhealthy goes both ways.

Yes, I admit I am not healthy. I have allergies, I have an ulcer and I am struggling with my insomnia. I only sleep three/four hours max every night (Or dawn). Sometimes, not even those few hours if I get so unlucky. Yes, I want to lose a few pounds from time to time but not so much that I would be thin. And bitch, I am not overweight. I just happen to have hips. Probably a foreign concept to you. You, who have no hips to speak of and two pitiful lumps of sugar on your chest. Just so you know, I don't want to lose these hips.

These hips are mighty hips. These hips are magic hips.

When I was younger, I admit I was self-conscious about them. They stick out and I have difficulty selecting jeans or shorts since I have a bit of a small waist. If I got the waist correctly, there's a big chance it won't fit my hips. Not to mention my ass and my thighs. So when the salesperson asks for size, specifically for my waist size, I just tell her, "Miss, my waist doesn't matter. Give me something that would fit my hips." For awhile, my hips had been the bane of my existence. Buying pants that would fit perfecty is like a quest for King Solomon's Mines. It's miserable hardwork. But as I got older, I grew to love my hips. My ass too! They're quite round and grabbable. Just ask the leering guys at the mall . I love these hips. They sway when I move.

I am not against thin girls, some of them are quite cute and would probably look good in anything. But I do have a problem with people who starve themselves to be a size zero and treat those meatier girls as if they were elephants. A lot of kids these days are so self-conscious that most of them freak out at a few extra pounds. I don't know when did society start to glorify emaciated females. I don't know how is it ideal to look like Victoria Beckham or Paris Hilton when it's so much hotter to be Mae West or Monica Bellucci. Hell, Boticelli's Venus had hips and a bit round on the stomach area. People in the olden times eat apparently, even goddesses. Only women in this day and age considered eating a taboo. Poor sods.

Bleached Stick Figure With Implants?

OR


Dark-Haired Voluptous Goddess

So Old Lady of the Terrible fashion Sense, you got my answer.

I am not going to be thin. Ever.

In Loving Memory

... Of Maximus Decimus Meridius' body.

Otherwise known as Russell Crowe's body. I am not a fan of his...

But I am a fan of Maximus, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions, loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. And he will have his vengeance, in this life or the next.

And he totally lost it.

Why, you ask?

"Death smiles at us all. All a man can do is smile back."

No shit, dude.

Keanu Is Spike Spiegel?!

Really?

Because as much as I love Keanu and the fact that he's one of my potential sperm donors, I'm not sure if it's okay. But then, I have to give the dude a chance.

After all, he's Neo, he carried that awesome nerd flick, The Matrix, to cult status. Come to think of it...Mr. Reeves had this reputation around Hollywood as some sort of a "meathead", but this particular "meathead" always seemed to star in geeky and complicated movies.

Scanner Darkly, The Matrix, Constantine, Johnny Mnemonic...

Does anybody get Johnny Mnemonic? Thought so.

Anyway, let's go back to Spike Spiegel.

Spike is a bounty hunter who was born on Mars. He is 27 years old, tall & thin with fluffy dark green hair and is usually dressed in leisure suit with yellow shirt and boots (sort of like Lupin's). Spike can often be seen with a cigarette on his mouth despite rain or "no smoking" signs. He is cunning and quite skilled in weaponry and hand to hand combat.

Sort of a cross between Neo and Constantine except for the leisure suit. Hence, Keanu. Maybe.

Is this why he's starting to look good lately?

An unshaven yet cleaned up Keanu at the Russian premiere of his new movie, The Day The Earth Stood Still (another nerd flick)

The Cowboy Bebop project's still unannounced by Fox but the film is said to be fast-tracked inside the studio and will be likely released around 2010. Keanu's been set for the role of Spike but the company is still looking for a suitable director and writer who would stay faithful to the anime series because it has a huge following in the states and the nerds might murder them in their sleep. Kidding.

Or not.

Hardcore Bebop nerds is expected to have a negative reaction on Keanu taking the role because, well, it's expected of them. (Hehehe...) Same thing happened when he took on the lead for Constantine who originally has blonde hair. But hey, they got to admit, he's sort of effective on the role of the "occult detective".

Keanu is effective on any movie that requires him to move --- like holding a gun and kicking somebody's ass. Just don't star him in chick flicks. Sweet November, for example. He sucked at it. Big time. The man can't summon any romantic emotion (or any emotion for that matter) if his life depended on it. I didn't even watch Lake House. It's too painful for me. Since I couldn't punch the screen.

Hollywood seemed to be in Asian mode lately. Dragonball, Streetfighter and Tekken is already in the works and judging from the promos I've seen, Dragonball would totally suck. Akira and Ghost In The Shell was also slated for live action. I'm just hoping for the best---that Hollywood won't screw their story lines over but that's just wishful thinking, I guess.

But Keanu Reeves in a leisure suit?

BRING IT ON!